Judgey McSmartypants

OK, there are just some things I’m not really that interested in cooking.  Organ meats.  High fiber protein bars.   Lacto-fermented anything.  Stuff like that.

I don’t have a particular problem with any of these things and I can understand the curiosity to explore esoteric ingredients or techniques.  It’s just not my cup of tea.

There are, however, a whole world of recipes out there that don’t just leave me uninspired, they actually make me mad.  For ease of communication, let’s call them “food porn” and for a good example of what I mean, see this.

Don’t get me wrong, the first bite of that dish probably tastes amazing, but after that?  I mean, seriously people – is this even necessary?  Does the cheesecake really ADD something to the peanut butter cups and the chocolate chip cookie dough?  At some point you no longer distinguish between the flavors, all you get is sugar and fat.

Let me be clear, I’m not the most fit person in the world and I’m certainly not one to subsist on a low-calorie paleo ketogenic diet of twigs and pine cones.  I like sugar and fat.  I like them together.  I like fried food and the good lord knows I love me some cheese!  But these sorts of culinaryexcess** just drive*** me nuts****!

I don’t know why these kinds of things get to me, they just do.*****

And when things get to me, I cook.  I cook with spite in my heart and to prove that rich, decadent, delightful desserts do not need to be stuffed will Rolos, wrapped in bacon, dredged in butter, rolled in chocolate chips, deep-fried and served with a whipped cream marshmallow fluff dipping sauce.

Chewy Cherry Chocolate Almond Blondies (serves 12)

Chewy Cherry Chocolate Blondies by alriegler

1. Go to Smitten Kitchen and read this recipe.

2. Swap the vanilla for almond extract.

3. To the prepared batter, add 2/3 cup chopped dried cherries, 2/3 cup chopped toasted almonds and 1 cup 60% cacao bittersweet chips.

4. Bake at 350F for 30 minutes.

5. This is crucial: let them cool to room temperature.  It will be hard, but you MUST wait.  When they are warm, the chocolate overpowers the cherries.

6. Eat.

* I really like this blogger.  I’ve tried several of her other recipes and they are have been very, very good.  This particular recipe is meant to serve as an example and in no way should be construed as an indictment of her work.  Her stuff is great.

** OK, I actually do NOT like Paula Deen.  She bugs the crap outta me y’all! (Said in my best Paula Deen imitation)

*** Yeah, I would probably love the hell out of this.  I mean, look at all that cheese!

**** If you think it’s OK to use Oreos as a dessert recipe ingredient and not as a simple cookie that you eat once a year with a glass of milk and only because someone else bought them, then I’m sorry, but you are a food pornographer.

***** Actually I do know why.  It’s because I take joy in a certain amount of judgmental bitchiness.  It’s good for the soul to secretly think you are better than other people sometimes.  We all do it.

2 responses to “Judgey McSmartypants

  1. I guess I see nothing wrong with being a food pornographer and considering a ton of people made and loved those I think I’ll survive.

  2. With God as my witness, these are the best brownies ever. Or blondies. Whatever you want to call them, they’re insanely good. The chocolate-cherry combination is divine, but not so overpowering that you’re done after a single bite. The almond extract (the good stuff) is luscious. Just the right touch.

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